You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.