When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.