Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps