Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.