Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.