I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.