Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
No good deed goes unpunished.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.