Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?