I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.