Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.