There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

No good deed goes unpunished.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.