I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.