By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.