I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.