If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.