I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!