You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.