Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.