It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.