If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.