When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.