By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.