A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.