At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.