You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I'm single because I was born that way.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?