Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.