[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.