You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.