I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.