Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.