I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.