Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I drink to make other people more interesting.