I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?