Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.