Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.