If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.