If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.