Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.