At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!