Sex is an emotion in motion.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.