I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?