Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.