If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?