He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.