It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.