It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?