I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.