Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.