Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.