He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.