Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm single because I was born that way.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!