You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.