Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm single because I was born that way.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!