If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Men are as faithful as their options.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.