Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Men are as faithful as their options.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm single because I was born that way.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.