If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.