Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.