If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm single because I was born that way.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.