Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.