If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.