I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

No good deed goes unpunished.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.