I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.