I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.