No good deed goes unpunished.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.