It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'