That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.