My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?