Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.