Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.