I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.