I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.