You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?