Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.