The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.