To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.