In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.