It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.