You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.