If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.