I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!