To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.