A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!