I'm single because I was born that way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.