The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?