Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.