I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.