You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.