I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.