The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.