I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.