I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.