I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.