I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.