I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.