A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.