Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.