I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.