You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.