Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.