Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.