The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member