There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.