You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.