I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Men are as faithful as their options.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.