I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.