A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.