My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.