Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.