Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps