A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.