You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.