I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.