All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.