I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Men are as faithful as their options.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.