I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.