My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.