And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'm single because I was born that way.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Men are as faithful as their options.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.