If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.