When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm single because I was born that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!