If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.