Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.