Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity