I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.