Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.