I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.