My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.