I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.