When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.