I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.