Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.