I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.