The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
No good deed goes unpunished.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.