By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.