There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.