There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.