No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.