All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.