A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.