I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.