I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.