When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?