I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?