If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.