He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?