I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.